


Immortality

by Trialia



Category: The Matrix (1999)
Genre: Emo, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Romance, Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation, Song Lyrics, Songfic, The Matrix: Revolutions, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-27
Updated: 2003-12-27
Packaged: 2017-10-03 02:10:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trialia/pseuds/Trialia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He can't find his way back without her. Songfic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Immortality

**Author's Note:**

> Well, we've all written a songfic at some point, right? And a heck of a lot of us to this particular song. I was seventeen when I wrote this, an impressionable, emo self-harmer 2 years off having a nervous breakdown, so please don't think too badly of past!me. ;)

 

_I'm so tired of being here, / Suppressed by all my childish fears... / And if you have to leave, / I wish that you would just leave, / 'Cause your presence still lingers here, / And it won't leave me alone..._

I can still see you in my dreams, even though in my waking life I can see so very little. I'm afraid when I see you, because I know it isn't reality, even though we're in the real world now. We? Why I say that I don't know, there is no we for me without you. But you're still here, your face in my mind. I know you're dead, but you're not gone and never will be. Sometimes I think I'll go crazy from the pain. It would be a relief.

__

_These wounds won't seem to heal, / This pain is just too real, / There's just too much that time cannot erase... / When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, / When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears... / I held your hand through all of these years, / But you still have all of me..._

I miss you, Trinity, I need you desperately. I cut myself slowly now, feeling the sharp blade slicing into my arms even though I can't see it - never seriously trying to kill myself, but wishing that someday I'll make a mistake with the knife and I'll be with you again. I remember the one and only time that you broke down in our room on the Neb, silently weeping into my chest, and how I kissed away the tears when you lifted your head. Nobody ever saw them but me, nobody knew how vulnerable we both were - _are_ \- when alone. And every time in the Matrix that something happened to put you in danger, I fought back the Agents, keeping them away from you, keeping you safe. But in the real world, I could not save you, and the memory haunts me. I used to hold your hand, holding the most beautiful woman in the world, but you still hold my heart in your grasp, even though you're dead.

_You used to captivate me / By your resonating light, / Now I'm bound by the life you left behind... / Your face it haunts / My once pleasant dreams, / Your voice it chased away / All the sanity in me..._

__

Watching you fight, recalling the first time I met you, and how in the real world I thought you were an angel the moment I first saw your face. Beauty impossible to put into words, yet I have always tried. Now that you're gone, nothing is left for me. I'm still the One, but it doesn't mean much of anything to me without you. Nothing has meaning. Your lovely face haunts my dreams, the look on your face when I was inside of you, loving you in my arms, and the look when you died, the pain of having to finally let go of me that I know you felt. Sometimes in my dreams I hear you whisper to me, and I wake up crying, torn apart at the core. I need you.

__

_These wounds won't seem to heal, / This pain is just too real, / There's just too much that time cannot erase... / When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, / When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears, / And I held your hand through all of these years, / But you still have all of me..._

__

Nothing will go away now that you have, no memory will leave me. I keep them because I know it is all that is left of you and I, our love, now that I am left completely alone, empty, my heart with you. You will always have all of me, even this shell in which I live. I haven't touched anyone through choice since you died, except Smith. I resent that he didn't kill me when I killed him, that I survived on that grid in 01. I wanted to go to you so much, wanted to stay with you forever, but how long is forever? It will never be long enough. You're gone, and there is nothing even I can do about it.

__

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, / But though you're still with me, / I've been alone all along..._

__

I still try and face facts, that you are dead and gone, that you will never return, but it's too painful to say aloud. Morpheus, Niobe, all have tried to tell me that I have to come back to life, that I have to learn to live without you. They miss you, but not as much as I do.

__

And yet, in the silence of the night in Zion, when everyone else is asleep and I lay on our bed in Zion, I try to realise that it could only have been a dream; that it could not have lasted. That I never truly had you, because no-one so perfect could possibly have existed in the real world and be gone. Perfection like yours would have, must have, been allowed to survive. I've been alone my entire life, and it is only now, now that I really am alone, that I realise it. Even in your arms, I have always, ultimately, been alone.

_ _~fin_ _


End file.
